Friday, May 29, 2009
OK, right now that headline probably seems a tad hyperbolic. But you'll agree with me, after you see the new trailer below.
I am now more convinced than ever that the guys who wrote the Land of the Lost movie came up with the script by playing a little game called "How Many Ways Can We Piss Off Fans of the Original Show?"
I imagine their brainstorming sessions went something like this:
Horrible Man #1: OK, guys, let's look over what we have so far. Rick Marshall and Holly are lovers. Chaka grabs Holly's boobs, and so does Will. Hmm, let's see... Think we should throw in a cameo by Wesley Eure and Kathy Coleman, the people who played Will and Holly on the old show? Maybe we can have them doing something totally embarrassing and sad.
Horrible Man #2: Nah, including them could almost seem like we're trying to be respectful of the old show in some way, and Christ knows we can't have that.
Horrible Man #3: I know! Let's film a scene with them, and then cut it out!
Horrible Man #1: Excellent. Any other ideas?
Horrible Man #2: Well, I thought of something last night when I was huffing up my body weight in cocaine, but... It's pretty awful.
Horrible Man #1: Hey, pretty awful is what this movie's all about.
Horrible Man #2: OK. You know the Sleestaks? The hissing green lizard men who became iconic to a generation?
Horrible Man #3: Yes, the fallen Altrusian race. Once they were a peaceful, intelligent species, but centuries of war caused them to devolve into blood-thirsty savages. Theirs was a surprisingly dark cautionary tale for children's TV in the '70s, emblematic of the respect this show had for its young audience. What of the Sleestak?
Horrible Man #2: Well... How about we show them... You know... Doing it? And while it's happening, Will and Rick watch, and Will makes wah-chikka, wah-chikka porno music, with his mouth.
(Long pause as this idea sinks in.)
Horrible Man #1: Son, you just earned yourself a promotion. You're now the Vice President in Charge of Crapping On America's Childhood Memories.
Horrible Man #2: Really? Cool.
Horrible Man #1: By tomorrow afternoon, I want your ideas for how we can make an utterly despicable Great Space Coaster movie.
Horrible Man #2: I got an idea already: Paris Hilton, as Goriddle Gorilla.
Horrible Man #1: Hey, not bad!
Horrible Man #2: And the little movies Roy shows on his TV gizmo? They could be product placements for Axe Body Spray.
Horrible Man #3: And will there be farting?
Horrible Man #2: Lots!
(They all laugh. The door opens, and a frightened young girl in a French maid outfit leads in a goat for the traditional 3 p.m sacrifice to Asmodeus, King of Demons. We freeze the frame, as the three Horrible Men share a triumphant thumb's up.)
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